


the death of a star

by dduucckk



Series: dan?? writing angst?? it's more likely than you'd think [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, I know I already put this in the warnings but, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, you already know who it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27769912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dduucckk/pseuds/dduucckk
Summary: And sometimes, Sirius almost seems like his old self again.Sometimes, his mischievous grin that Remus remembers all too well will appear on his face, and he’ll lean over and whisper a snide comment in Remus’s ear, and Remus will have to try to stifle a laugh.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: dan?? writing angst?? it's more likely than you'd think [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031460
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	the death of a star

**Author's Note:**

> have fun with this yall

It hurts to see Sirius trapped in that godforsaken house.

It hurts Sirius more to be trapped there, Remus knows, but still.

It hurts.

Sirius hated that house.

He hated it so fucking much, and he always had, and here he was, back in the place he had vowed never to set foot in again.

Remus does what he can.

It’s not a lot.

But it helps.

Or so Sirius says.

Sometimes, Remus can’t tell how much he’s actually helping.

But he stays, because as much as it hurts him to see Sirius trapped there, it would hurt him even more to know that Sirius was trapped there alone.

So Remus stays, and he tries to help.

And sometimes, Sirius almost seems like his old self again.

Sometimes, his mischievous grin that Remus remembers all too well will appear on his face, and he’ll lean over and whisper a snide comment in Remus’s ear, and Remus will have to try to stifle a laugh.

It’s usually about Snape.

And sometimes, Remus can see in the way that Sirius grins at the Weasley twins that he sees the same thing in them that Remus does.

That he sees the Marauders.

But other times, Sirius seems to fold in on himself, and nothing Remus does can bring him out.

Those are the nights when he wakes up screaming, and Remus can hear him from the guest room a floor up, and he hurries down, barefoot and shivering, to find Sirius wide awake, and shaking, and barely able to speak.

Remus always sits with him then, until he falls asleep again.

If he falls asleep again.

Sometimes he doesn’t.

And then Remus is reminded of how when they were younger, and Sirius couldn’t sleep, he would crawl into Remus’s bed, and he would curl up there, warm against Remus’s side, and that helped.

It helps to have someone there, Remus knows.

There have been times when he was the one waking up, frozen from a nightmare, only to find Sirius already there, and he remembers how much it helps to be hugged, and to have a shoulder to cry on.

It helps even more to have someone who knows you as well as they know each other.

Used to know each other.

“Used to” because now Remus doesn’t know what Sirius would do if he got into bed with him, and he’s too afraid to try.

“Used to” because sometimes Sirius looks at Remus, and there’s no way of knowing what’s going on inside his head.

Years ago, Remus always knew what was going on inside Sirius’s head. He misses that.

He misses knowing someone that well, and he misses _being known_ that well, and it hurts more now than it ever has before because he _should_ know Sirius.  
He should, but he doesn’t.

Sometimes he thinks about all the time that was stolen from them and he wants to cry.

He doesn’t tell Sirius that.

He can’t tell Sirius that, because as awful as these last twelve years have been for Remus, they have been so much worse for Sirius.

So, so much worse.

And Remus doesn’t want to talk about what ifs, because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to stand the look on Sirius’s face.

He can imagine it, though.

The joy, at first, of thinking about James and Lily, and about all of their old friends.

Then the despair as it hits him once again that they’re dead.

All of them.

Remus and Sirius are the only two left now, and Remus clings to that, because at least he still has Sirius.

As little as that is, it’s something.

And maybe, once this war is over, they’ll have time.

Time to talk, and to reminisce, and to get better, bit by bit.

And maybe, just maybe, time to rebuild what they had all those years ago.

It’s all Remus can hope for right now. That’s it. He just wants time.

But it’s taken from him.

It’s taken from him when Snape shows up at Grimmauld Place, saying that Harry is at the ministry.

That Harry is in trouble.

Sirius doesn’t want to believe him at first––why should be trust _Snape_ , of all people?––but when the rest of the Order goes to fight, Sirius insists on joining them.

Remus tries to tell him not to, tries to tell him that it won’t be worth it, but Sirius won’t listen. When has Sirius ever listened?

So Remus reaches out, and takes his hand, and holds on as tightly as he possibly can.

Sirius squeezes Remus’s hand just as tightly.

“We’ll be fine,” he whispers.

Remus nods.

He wants so desperately to believe it.

It’s been twelve years since he last fought, and he had forgotten how disorienting and overwhelming it is.

There’s spells flying everywhere, and Remus tries _so hard_ to keep track of Sirius, but then suddenly he looks up and he _can’t see him_. He can’t fucking see him.

He needs to be able to see him.

And then, suddenly, he hears a woman shout Sirius’s name, and he can see him again, and oh no.

He’s fighting Bellatrix.

Of course he would, Remus thinks as he starts to make his way towards Sirius. Of course that fucking idiot would go after _her_.

He just needs to make it in time to help, to do something, _anything_.

He doesn’t.

Remus is forced to watch as all of that time he had hoped so fervently for is taken away with a single spell.

He watches as Sirius falls through the veil, and he is sure that Sirius’s eyes meet his.

That Remus is the last thing Sirius sees as he dies.

And then, he’s gone.

There’s nothing.

No evidence that he ever existed besides the gaping hole that has just torn open in Remus’s heart.

He wants nothing more than to _stop_.

He wants to fall to the ground, to cry until there’s not a single tear left in his body.

He almost does.

He almost gives up on the fight entirely.

For a moment, he doesn’t care if they win or lose, because Sirius will be gone either way, so what’s the fucking point?

But then he hears Harry.

He hears Harry’s scream, and he realizes that he’s not the only one who will grieve Sirius.

He’s not the only one who was relying on Sirius for that tiny spark of hope.

So he forces himself up, and over to Harry, and he holds him back and he makes himself care, because if Remus stops caring, then who will Harry have left?

No one.

And Harry needs someone.

Even if it’s just Remus, Harry needs someone.

So, Remus tears his eyes away from the veil, away from the place where his last little bit of hope had died, and he finds another one to cling to.

And no matter what, he will make sure that Harry lives.

**Author's Note:**

> here's my [tumblr](https://dduucckk.tumblr.com), drop in and say hi!


End file.
